Q. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.
Now, for the record I married into a great family and have always felt included. But part of the deal with marriage is all the rest of the family, and just as importantly all of the Traditions, are part of the package as well. I may be included but not always comfortable and at times I have to work at it to participate in the Traditions and customs that are part of the culture of my wife’s family, and probably never more so than at Christmas. (And again, for the record, my wife has to handle the strange and different Traditions on my side.)
In the movie Fiddler on the Roof the main character Tevya introduces the song “Tradition! ” with the line “And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: tradition.” And the rest of the movie deals with how Tevya, the family and the village copes with changes in tradition.
The traditions are important in families – It is not simply “this is how we do it,” but in doing it that way the consistency and shared experience of past celebrations provide the familiarity that many people cherish about holidays.
On the one hand, whether it be our family celebrations, our circle of friends, or our faith communities, we have to first acknowledge that tradition helps us, like Tevya says, to keep our balance. It provides a foundation and comfort zone to those who are familiar with the tradition. On the other hand, just like a spouse integrating into a new family, we also need to acknowledge that to those entering the group often these traditions can be confusing or uncomfortable at best, and possibly come across as legalism and perceived exclusion at worst. What is a balancing or stabilizing effect for some is a barrier or deterrent for others.
The challenge of course is that there is no simple solution to this tension. Each community, be it family or congregation, must figure out the balance and give-and-take for itself. How much does it value and find rootedness in the tradition and how things are supposed to be done. And how much does the community want to make newcomers feel welcome, comfortable, and integrate easily. Tradition is important for many reasons – but what traditions define the community and what limit it? How can we step back and determine what is important and what is not?
So I wish you a wonderful Christmas Day and the blessings of this season. And may you find comfort in your traditions while providing a welcome to those who are being brought into it.
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